“CEO Mike Jeffries  said in a 2006 interview with Salon that he wants only cool, attractive, skinny people to wear his clothing.

“It’s almost everything. That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that,” he told Salon.

“In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids,” he told Salon. “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong.” -Excerpt from Fox13now.com

Wow.  These are words from a grown ass man.  Who knew he was being quoted.  These are words a successful grown up decided to say, in an interview.  Wow.

First of all, I want to assure you that if these words enrage you, I understand.  It is on this side of the last couple of years that I would have flown to my keyboard to type a cutting letter.  With fury filled hands I would wring out all of the emotions that fill me up when I read something like this.  But now I don’t have that.

I don’t know this guy.  He doesn’t know me.  His comments have absolutely nothing to do with me.  And all those feelings I would have been having before have little to do with him and everything to do with how I feel about me.  I would have been irate, but that anger would come primarily from all the years I felt exactly the way he describes.  I felt too fat to belong.  I felt like a loser.  I was not a cool kid.

This kind of bullying, which is the only way I think this can accurately be described, would have brought me emotionally right back to high school.  Which as a grown up, is infuriating.  Here I am, minding my own business, grown-upping it up and along comes the homecoming king of Abercrombie to call me a fattty.  So now I’m mad he’s being mean and I’m even more mad I feel effected by it.

But here’s the deal- he didn’t call me anything.  His words need not apply to anyone.  For words like that to hurt you have to agree with them.  And this is one grown up lady who does not agree.

Instead, I feel sorry for this guy.  Genuinely.  I was the kid in elementary school that told the other kids to stop calling names (I was also kind of a loser for this and a teachers pet, whatev).  I was never mean to someone because of their appearance of social “status” and neither were any of my friends.  And while I’m not like, the patron saint of outcasts, this ability to look further than social status and body type has only enriched my life.

I believe most people get there.  I’m often told by people who are older than myself that their high school reunions got much better with every passing decade.  As people age, common experience becomes a bonding factor far more than who sat at what lunch table.  Most people experience loss, difficult times and deep joy which often results in a wisdom that allows for seeing more of who others are and less of what “category” they would fall into, again, in high school.

I actually feel badly for this guy.  Something about running Abercrombie in this way has enabled him to not move forward as a grown up.  If he operates his life with the same rules as he does his business, think of all the unique/interesting/hilarious/genius/bad ass people he is missing out on the experience of knowing.  And even if he manages to only surround himself with high school cool kids– newsflash– these people are not all assholes.  So the most awesome of these people have lost a lot of respect for the guy, if they even continue to associate with him, after these comments.

I’ve followed a few links to other responses to this guy.  Most of them have attacked his appearance.  Again, totally understand this urge but I don’t think it’s helpful.  If we respond in this way we are 1) role modeling the same crappy, juvenile name-calling behavior he is and 2) we have joined an argument.  It’s like that old adage, “wise men never argue with fools, because people watching from a distance can’t tell who is who.”

These days I’m not outraged by this guy.  To be honest, my outrage in the past would have had everything to do with (insert name of popular guy in high school that treated me like shit) and nothing to do with this guy.  I’m actually bored.  And sad.  It’s not shocking that a grown up stuck in a high school cafeteria mentality would make such statements.  I went to high school, it’s not news that people think this way.  It’s kind of sad to me that this guy is stuck there.  But that doesn’t have to have anything to do with me.

I’m happy these statements are making rounds on the web.  For the first time in my life I can actually fit into clothes from this store.  Knowing what kind of culture the CEO wants for this company it is surely not one I want to contribute to.  I hope you feel the same.  If enough of us decide that, perhaps he will have a change of heart or at least a change in his bank statement that will cause him to take pause.

But let’s not chime in about his hair (or whatever).  Let’s let this foolish statement stand alone.  This is not an argument, and it certainly isn’t personal.  It’s just one guy living in the high school cafeteria.  Let’s not go back there with him.

xo, Mama

I’m a beautiful woman.  Sorry I’m not sorry if that is off-putting.  I believe I am a beautiful woman and that is important to me.  I don’t think that is vain.  It has nothing to do with how I look compared to other women, how many dudes would want to have sex with me or how many people tell me I’m hot.  I don’t measure myself against anyone else.  I don’t look at photos of other women or at other women I see in life and wonder who has bigger thighs or a better rack.  I like me.  I’m perfect the way I am.  I also don’t see my body as a “work in progress.”  I know that line of thinking is helpful to others but it isn’t to me.  I’ve spent a lot of my life not living in my body, getting rid of unflattering photos, not identifying with the person I saw in the mirror.  It was MISERABLE.  Thinking of my body as something I “need to work on” for me feels like it’s not acceptable the way it is.  The truth is my body has been fine all along.  The difference between my body now (currently 5’7” 155lbs give or take a few depending on where I am in my cycle/if I’m hydrated/if I need to poop) and when I was topping the scales around 240+ is that I take care of it differently.  But even that has always been about honoring myself and not about “fixing” my body.  I’m perfectly good the way I am and if I never lose another pound, or if I gain weight, my body will remain a good body.

It makes me sad when I see women comparing themselves to photos of others.  We do this with fitness models whose faces are often cropped out and abs enhanced.  These “inspirational” “fitspiration” photos are supposed to “motivate” you to become a headless abs model.  So we look at these photos (some more “realistic” than others, some more photo shopped than others, whatever) and then look in our own mirrors in a completely different way.  We don’t stand tall and look for things to like.  We slouch over, scrunch our faces, grab at fat and just hate what we see.  The same ab model you are idolizing would look totally different if she were doing those things.  But that’s not what we see.  We compare others’ at their best to ourselves at our “worst.”  And it isn’t just fitness models, social media is good for the same things.  No one is posting terrible photos of themselves bending over on the beach.  We post best angels, best instagram filtered versions of ourselves.  And I’m not here to say there is anything wrong with that.  Why not display photos you are confident in?  I’m not mad at cha.  But realize that as long as you are comparing yourself to others in this way you will never be happy.

So I wanted to show you how this works, in photos of me.  These photos were all taken on the same day, with purposefully terrible lighting, complete with phone in hand and toilet in the background.  It is not my hopes that you will see me as a “real woman.”  Real women are big, round, long, short, lean, straight, chiseled and not.  This is what MY body looks like.  For the record it is a healthy, fit body.  It may not be what you picture when you think “fit” but that’s only because you are only seeing a narrow idea of what fit looks like in photos.  I also don’t want you to compare yourself to me.  If you find yourself thinking, “I look so much better than that” or “I wish I looked like that” I hope you marinate in how that line of thinking (either way) is not serving you.  Real, lasting, life-affirming confidence is not about measuring yourself against others.  I would love to share a variety of photos of beautiful women with diverse body types but every time I have posted a photo of another woman I have regretted it.  People tear other women apart “She’s too thick/fat/thin/skinny/muscular” etc.  I’m posting myself because rather you think I look slammin or terrible, my self-esteem is not reliant on your opinion.  At all.  While I know how to gracefully accept a compliment I do not internalize them, nor do I internalize negative comments.  Your feelings about my body are really none of my business.  I like me.  I present to you my loveliness:

Waking up:

Here is me after the gym in my gym clothes:

Face close up:

Cute huh?  How ya like THESE APPLES!?

Now lets move on to some bikini shots; here is me slouching and showing off my historically deep belly button:

Here is a more flattering picture:

This is my favorite, with a little glute flex action:

Here ladies and gentlemen is my booty.  If you look closely there is some cellulite.  In case you are wondering, I’m not “working on that,”  I don’t plan to post an “after photo” sometime later.  I like it, damn it.

You may notice I have a little belly fat.  I’m not mad at that either.  I’m so healthy y’all.  I’m strong, I’m fit, I eat healthy 90% of the time.  Some of this is simply extra skin from having been so overweight in the past.  This is what happens when I place my hand on the top of my tummy and pull juuuust a little.

Nice huh?  Well whatever.  It’s the same belly you saw above.  I could photoshop out my hand and tout a slouching belly next to a “pulled up” belly as an awesome before and after photo.  They are simply both my belly.

Now here is me getting ready for the day, I like to paint my face.  I don’t think that makes me any more “real” or less “real” than those who don’t find this fun.  Make up time!

Hair did:

Getting dressed, here is a little dress picture.  I’ve got some big ol strong thighs, I love em:

The outfit I decided on:

Just a reminder: Same person here:

Likely some of you will think how “brave” it is of me to post these photos.  No doubt some of these are more flattering than others.  But I don’t feel “brave” because I don’t think there is anything wrong with me or how I look in any of these.  I’m a healthy woman.  There are lots of ways to be healthy and it doesn’t really have a “look.”  A lot of times I see women commenting on photos of other women and masking their jealousy or judgement as concern about the health of the individual.  A person with a six-pack and cut muscles COULD be a person who is extremely dehydrated who suffers from disordered eating.  Someone with the exact same look COULD be genetically blessed OR work really hard to look like that and the picture of health.  I personally know extremely thin people who have eating disorders as well as folks (with bodies who look exactly the same) who cannot gain weight no matter how hard they try.  A morbidly obese person could be 100lbs DOWN from where they once were and killing workouts I can’t do.  They could be marathon runners with a thyroid issue or they could be someone who has an issue with over eating.  YOU CANNOT LOOK AT SOMEONE’S BODY AND DETERMINE THEIR HEALTHINESS.  Furthermore, health is not a moral issue.  Someone can be really unhealthy and a completely awesome person.  So judging people based on your perception of their health is really wack.  And judging your own body against others is recipe for self-hatred all day.  Even if you look at someone else’s body and think, “oh thank god I don’t look like that,”  you aren’t building your own self-esteem.  Comparison is the thief of joy (Teddy Roosevelt).

I think we should look in the mirror more.  The more you actually look at yourself (instead of dodging mirrors and photographs) and look for what you love, the easier it will be to come to love an accept all of who you are.  Stop following “fitspiration” pages if they make you feel bad.  Your body will never look like someone elses body.  You will never look like me and I will never look like you.  Make peace with your mirror.  Slouch.  Stand tall.  Smile.  Get okay with everything you see there.  I truly am.  I’m not brave.  It only seems brave because we don’t see this often, a non chiseled photo of a woman that isn’t a “before picture.”  This is what my body looks like.  I’m into all of it.  It took time to get here but nothing has ever been more worth while, and while it took time, it was a much more enjoyable process than all the years I spent hating myself that I can never have back.

In my photos there is  body.  It is a good body.  It is a fit body.  It has cellulite, fat and dimples.  It has big strong thighs and a strong booty.  I think my body is powerful, sexy and awesome.  Nothing any one else thinks about me will ever change that.  Making that kind of peace with your body is freedom.

These photos were taken 2 days later, this is when I really celebrate my body!

Could I lean out and still be healthy?  Sure.  It isn’t my goal but it may happen while I’m busting my ass at the gym for fun/enjoyment/bad assery.  But my goals are not about posting photos or being the envy of the other Moms at the wading pool this summer.  I met my goal a long time ago which was to be a healthy weight, to learn to enjoy exercise and healthy eating, to make these things a habit to be a good example to my baby girl and to never go back to the dark place where I hate the skin I’m in.  Goal = complete.

Xoxo, Mama

The deal was 20% off of your first order and you get nice workout clothes from various companies (nike, lululemon, nux etc).  I was contacted by the company to extend my audience a discount and I got some free swag and referral kick backs.  I get contacted to do stuff like this all the time.  I just never do.  Because it’s usually for something magic that isn’t real and I can’t get behind.  Workout clothes I can get behind.

All this time in addition to my relationship to the company, I have been separately signed up and paying for my own subscription.  Actually, under a different name (I have 2 last names, it’s confusing) and have enjoyed my regular customer experience as well.  I also wanted to make sure that if I was sending folks to a business I enjoyed being a customer of theirs.  My sister has been a subscriber since before I was contacted by them and has had a great experience as well.

So a bunch of people signed up.  But it didn’t take long before I started hearing complaints.  Some people got wrong sizes.  Some people didn’t receive the discount due to some system glitch at the end of November.  Some people had questions and didn’t get responses to emails.  It felt like sort of a mess.

Every complaint I received I fielded with my girl Hope at the company and she took care of it.  Unless there is anything I am still unaware of she has 100% track record of straightening things out.  All along she has assured me that the issues they have had have been related to volume and being a start up.

Then they changed the system.  Now pv.body is “Ellie.”  They have started their own brand of workout clothes and the subscription (which is now $49.99/month or for the first$39.99 with this link, which you can cancel anytime) includes picking your own pieces.  So each month they roll out a new collection of Ellie clothes and as a “fit fashionista” (I think that’s what subscribers are called) you can pick out any two pieces (up to $120 value) for the same price.

Some people are seeing this as a “bate and switch” which from what I’ve read the CEO has been accused of before.  The company’s response to this is that they have received so much feedback about the clothes they were sending out (people wanted more color, or more variety or more capris or whatever) that they felt they would better be able to respond to the requests by making their own clothes.  As none of the subscribers were contractually obligated to continue (you can cancel anytime) some folks stayed really excited about Ellie and others left.

Their manufacturers are the same as Lululemon, the materials are supposed to be comparable and the stuff so far has been really cute.  Also, in fairness, including comments on facebook and emails I have fielded only about 5% of the people who signed up through me had any issue at all.  I even received a few thank you letters from people who had special needs (one was a pregnant woman wanting clothes that would fit and be modest for the duration of her third trimester) that got things they were very happy with.  A common complaint was the amount of time it took to receive things and the vast majority of those folks loved what they got in the end.

Even though the primary response has been positive, I have maintained radio silence on them since I first became an “ambassador” in November because I wanted to make sure every0ne’s issues were resolved.

So I got my first Ellie outfit.

It was stupid cute.  I got these capri’s and this top.  The capri’s honestly looked like they were meant for my toddler when I pulled them out of the bag.  But believe me when I tell you they stretch!  They are hands down the most comfortable workout capri’s I’ve ever owned.  They feel like a hug.  That said, I do need to wear nude draws with them because black showed through a little when I squatted.  *I always check.*  The top is similar to one I’ve been coveting from another company (that retails for $68) which I only window shop online for because I can’t afford that shit.  I love it!  It’s easily the most stylish thing I’ve ever worn to the gym.  Made me want to put on lip gloss before I go to the gym in my ridiculously cute top so everyone can hate me.  (That is in a pretend world where anyone even notices that anyone else is at the gym besides themselves).

Anyway, that’s the scoop.  I have struggled with staying involved with this company because of all that I have outlined.  I am an “ambassador” which does mean they pay me a little if you buy through my link.  Which is super bad ass because I have never monetized my blog/posted ads and it is very helpful.  I spend hours every week responding to emails for free and I love it.  It’s also nice to have some dough come from it.  And unlike any other company that has ever contacted me, I really do like this product.  As a start up they have had issues and with social media those issues have been very evident.  But I have not had issues.  And will continue purchasing this product.  I like my capri’s that feel like they are giving my ass a gentle hug and my new “gym bitch” tank top.  A lot.

So there is my super honest review.  I like it.  My sister likes it.  A lot of people have liked it.  They have had issues as a company which I have resolved for those who contacted me, however those issues ever having occurred is enough to turn some off.  But if you don’t mind a short wait and like swanky gym gear, you can still get 20% off your first order and I will of course have yo back if you have any trouble.  I will continue to keep you posted about how this is going for me, and give you honest feedback as always.

Swanky gym gear to all, Ellie or not,

Erin

1) People get super defensive.  It’s amazing how many people feel the need to go on and on about how much they love eating meat when they find out I don’t.  I’m really not judging your choice, or asking what it is.

2) Everyone becomes an expert.  Practically every food from avocados (super-food/fatty demon) to popsicles (low cal treat/processed sugar demon) is controversial.  And no matter what I say I eat, someone will jump in with how it’s going to be my demise.  And it usually means I’m an idiot.

That said, I do want to share my experience.  But I want to be clear that I’m not interested in now becoming an advocate for everyone eating the way I do.  My choices are a mix of personal reasons/health reasons/research reasons and body response reasons.  I don’t expect that everyone share those with me.  I’m very okay with people making different choices than me.  The only sweeping statement I’m comfortable with diet-wise is that most Americans could stand to eat more fresh food/produce… and would probably feel better for it.

SO:

For months now I’ve been having serious GI issues.  To the point of embarrassment around my husband.  Like, sorry dude, I know I’ve been gassy… for a seriously long time.  I went from being seriously clock-worky “regular” to “irregular and uncomfortable.”  I promise I am less comfortable telling you about this than you are reading it.  But I don’t know how to tell you how I got here without being real about it.  I started reading up about elimination diets (watch out, I’m a researching mamma jamma) and decided to give it a whirl.

An elimination diet can be done in various ways but the basic idea is avoiding common allergens completely for a period of time and then reintroducing them individually to see how your body responds.  There are other ways to test for food sensitivities but most are inconclusive and expensive.  Mostly expensive isn’t something I can work with.  I am someone who believes that a lot of ailments can be dealt with through proper nourishment.  So when my stuff got out of whack, my diet is the first place I wanted to check out.  Plus, I kinda knew cheese was a part of the problem.  The worst times were always when there was a “cheese incident” (I say mainly because I’m not very good at having a reasonable amount of cheese, I freaking love it).

I had no idea starting out how I would even begin to avoid cheese.  It sounded like my life would be over.  This is something I hear a lot, and I do think it’s a little perplexing that something made from the breast milk of another mammal is so emotionally loaded for humans (myself included).  The first few days all I could think about was grilled cheese, pizza and nachos.  I’m not really entirely sure how I went to work.  And on day 4 it just stopped.  I stopped missing cheese.  I was fine.  (I already prefer almond or coconut milk, and am not a huge yogurt person, so cheese was really it).

About a week into the elimination diet I started feeling amazing.  I had my first solid… ahem… in ages.  I quit feeling bloated and awful.  And I started waking up ready to go instead of dragging ass.  My workouts improved (because I never feel sick in the mornings anymore).  Everything felt better.  But I was excited to start “testing” things.

I found goat cheese was less upsetting than other cheese.  But when I tried adding in any other type of cheese (and we’re talking small quantities) I was right back to feeling “shitty.”  So there you have it, dairy was out.  Like I said, I knew this to be the case.  But to me, if dairy was on the table, it was all going on the fucking table.  I’m sorry, but if I was going to consider giving up cheese I was not going to end up suffering at the hand of an ear of corn and question if I’d abandoned cheese too soon.

So it was on to gluten.  I have to admit, when it comes to gluten intolerance it sort of makes think of kids and ADD.  Yes, ADD is totally a thing and should be approached with care but not EVERY four year old with an age appropriate short attention span has it.  I think just because people say “gluten free diet” people think it’s, you know, a diet.  Like southbeach or paleo.  It’s a thing you follow to lose weight.  Trouble is most folks going that route are simply finding all of the “gluten free” labeled processed foods at the grocery store that are often not better for you than what you are replacing.  It’s not that I don’t think people are gluten sensitive, but I do think it’s a little over-home-diagnosed, and I certainly didn’t think I was.

So once my cheese testing phase was over I tested gluten.  Which in my mind meant “and now I go back to eating bread.”  Holy cow was I incorrect.  Bread, turns out, makes my sinuses go haywire.  I get crazy sinus pressure and just generally swell everywhere.  I tried on two separate occasions to blow this off and blame it on something else but the third time my face swelled and hurt I conceded.  It was then, and only then, that I looked up symptoms of gluten intolerance and found this to be a common symptom.  Huh.

Other things I was testing; soy, corn, nightshade vegetables… all okay.

So I was then a little stumped.  Just like when I stopped eating meat and didn’t know how to start a meal. “So if I’m not eating chicken breast then… *draws blank.*” (I stopped eating meat a few years ago for animal reasons, I’m not an evangelical vegetarian.  I’m not even a vegetarian because I do eat fish.  I don’t feel bad about eating fish.  I blame Kurt Cobain.)

Turns out the changes I’ve made have just forced me to again make small adjustments in what I would normally eat.  The payoff though, better energy, better skin, better workouts, better sleep, better mornings… so worth it.

What this means: I have found for MY BODY that dairy and gluten don’t work.  I have decided that for my sensibilities eating animals doesn’t sit well.  That said, I could gut a fish if I had to.  What this doesn’t mean: being diary/animal/gluten free makes you healthier.

You can easily read labels and veggie burger/vegan cheese/rice noodle it up and still be eating primarily crap.  You can still be sluggish and not see improvements in your body or health.  There is no miracle for every person in eating this way, and buying all the “fake out” products is not the way to a healthier you.

I will continue to post about my experiences eating this way, but I want to be clear that what I propose from all this is that you figure out what works best FOR YOU.  Not follow what some guru at your gym says blindly.  Use your critical thinking skills, do research that considers more than one “side” and doesn’t call anyone an idiot.  Most importantly, listen to your body.  A huge turning point for me with my body was pregnancy, because it was the first time in my life I began to trust what I knew my body was telling me.  You actually are an expert… on you.

To be honest, there is a lot I’m not excited about with my new way of eating.  Going to a restaurant and eating healthy was difficult before (most vegetarian dishes in restaurants are various forms of melted cheese on melted cheese).  Now not only is it hard to eat out, but I’m that person who pretty much needs something that isn’t on the menu.  Vietnamese, Thai and Indian restaurants are the easiest so far.  But that’s kind of a bitch.  Also, I know that I will endure all over again a slue of annoying questions about my eating choices.  And by questions I mean backhanded judgey statements.  This is easy to let roll off but it never ceases to amaze me that the healthier choices I make with my body, the more folks feel the need to voice their opinions about it.  It makes me wonder where all these “experts” in my life were when I was wicked depressed, sedentary and eating party pizzas and velveeta all the time.  NO ONE voiced concern about my diet or my macro-nutrient intake then.

So that’s what I’ve learned.  About me.  And while it’s not convenient I feel 100% better than I did for months on end before, so I’ll take it.  I’ve found this process to be really helpful in getting back to basics; listening to my body and sticking with what makes me feel best.  I recommend you do the same.

***I am not a doctor or nutritionist, for goodness sake my personal experiences should never be utilized as medical advice***

XOXO, Erin

But I haven’t always known this.  And to be honest, I still don’t always behave like I do.

For as long as I can remember I have had “concerns” about my body, and by concerns I mean I was plagued with constant thoughts about it.  My earliest memory of this was at 4 knowing I wasn’t thin enough to realize my dream of becoming a ballerina.  I was teased in elementary school.  I remember every single time we had to climb the rope in gym class (I never did, and I was so acutely aware that my body couldn’t possibly do that, that I didn’t really even try and no one encouraged/made me).  I remember the face each person was making when they called me a pig or oinked at me like it was a still frame in a low budget after school movie.  I recall every comment that could be even slightly construed as negative an ex boyfriend has ever made about my body.  I remember crying.  A lot.

Also, I have had an amazing life.  I don’t want to drone on about the opportunities I’ve had or amazing people I’ve known along the way… but in spite of the last passage things were pretty fantastic.  Sure, I’ve had my share of tragedy.  No one gets out of life unscarred.  But I mean to say that I have also walked on the sunny side of the street, I just missed out on so much of it.  But I didn’t miss a nano-second of the dark stuff.

Heart ache, for example, I didn’t dare miss that.  I could write an amazing dark comedy about all the dumb relationship decisions I’ve made.  Strange ass behavior trying to figure out if I didn’t measure up, who did?   While I know that dating a “Mr. Wrong” or getting let down and feeling awful are par for the growing-up course, I was like a moth to a flame to any situation that de-valued me.  It was both validating to hear I wasn’t good enough (it meant I was right about that, too) and intoxicating to try to be.  ”If only I can convince this guy I’m worthy of love, I will be.”  And while certainly not every failed relationship or life failure had anything at all to do with my weight, I always secretly “knew” it did.  The same dark corners of my mind that knew I would never do ballet, reminded me I wouldn’t ever measure up because my body didn’t.  When something did work out I would immediately try to lose weight, “this man/job/thing that is going better than expected has taken a chance on me, I should lose this weight so I can keep it.”

And you know that sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?  Or does it when the incredibly smart, compassionate, enjoyable first lady of the United States of America is subject to ridicule about her body every time she is on prime time television?  When actors get together for an awards ceremony to celebrate things like “lifetime achievement” in their art and there are entire shows dedicated to ripping apart their appearances.  When a female celebrity goes through the life transforming event of carrying a child and becoming a mother, and as a country our primary concern is how quickly she will lose the baby weight.  When women everywhere scoff at and say rude things in their heads or under their breath when a more slender woman than they is in the room… get together and talk shit on mutual friends who lost weight…. freely judge the “too thin” with feigned concerns about health… throwing stones like we’re not all having this same experience.

I am ever so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I only wish that I had not carried this ridiculous cloud around over myself for so many years.  I missed out on really experiencing so much.  I dove head first into the painful moments and set up camp.  I literally hid myself away for a semester.  I secretly vomited after meals in college for months.  I was surrounded by great friends who cared, but even great friends grow weary when something is always wrong.  All because I couldn’t live in my body.

Okay hippymoonflower, what do you mean you couldn’t “live in your body”??

When you are convinced that the size and shape of your ass determines your worth, you are at war with yourself.  You have places on your body (stomach, most common) that even those you are intimate with are not allowed to touch.  You avoid looking in mirrors when you are naked like some crazy horror movie character might pop out.  You cut the size out of all of your clothes because you can’t bare the thought that someone else might see that number.  As if cutting it out changed it somehow.  Maybe you eat in secret.  Maybe you try crazy diets.  Maybe you feel “best” when you’re hungry and not eating.  You live by a completely different set of rules than others, and it inhibits things like– enjoying the hell out of your life.  You walk around mentally separating yourself from the physical vessel you are in.

I did all of those things in a desperate attempt to heal my life-long unforgivable flaw: I was overweight.  I couldn’t bare the weight of my own insecurity and I sought affirmation elsewhere.

Boooo!  Right?  Me and all my fabulous needed someone else to decide I was good enough.  None of that hurts like it used to, but now it worries me for my baby.

Sure, there were bullies.  Some people behave like assholes.  I’ve had some bad break ups.  Yet not one of those things would have been so bad if I had ever learned to hold my head up.  If I knew I was an amazing woman worthy of being treated well, I wouldn’t have agreed with people who teased me.  I wouldn’t have needed to “prove” my worth to those who didn’t see it.  And while I’m sure I would have had my share of feeling badly, I wouldn’t have wallowed there.

The primary shift that happened when I empowered myself to live in my own body is I was no longer being ruled by insecurity.  This profound change impacted my everyday life and happened, not when I started getting healthy, but when I believed I could.  When I made the decision that I was worthy of my time, attention and love, everything changed.

*There is plenty of my backstory elsewhere, but I lost a lot of weight after having a daughter, not wanting to teach her to hate herself.*

I don’t feel sad about how long I held on to that horrible insecurity crutch so much as I feel grateful to not live with it anymore.  And while I still have moments, sometimes more regularly than not, when I find myself  concerned I might not measure up… I now know how to confront those demons.  I am in charge of my life.  I live in my body.  I know exactly how big every part of me is and I allow myself to inhabit it.  I’m allowed to take up space.  I’m allowed to love myself.  And not just the “insides that count.”  Every fucking part of me is worthy of love.  It’s all good enough.  It is reminding myself regularly of that, that allows me be the person I was meant to be, and not the shell of her who shows up when insecurity wins.

Relate?  I’m willing to bet you might.  Even if for you it wasn’t about being obese.

It is embarrassing to admit in a completely public way that I have been exceedingly unaware of my own worth in ways that have marred my decision making dramatically.  But someone needs to talk about this shit before it infects another generation of girls.

Well, I think it’s time, if you haven’t already, that you decide you are worth your own time, energy and love.

For me that meant taking good care of my body with healthy foods, regular exercise I enjoy, letting go of negative people and lots and lots and lots of positive self talk.  And yes, I may occasionally speak to myself like a new age guru self help book, but the confidence I have learned to restore is more than worth it.  Most importantly to me, my baby girl has a Mommy who walks around mad comfortable in her own skin and proud of who she is.  Any work I have to do to continue to give that to my daughter I will do any day of the week.

I saw a blog post floating around recently where a woman was apologizing to her body.  I haven’t read it yet but I love the sentiment.  If I were to write something similar it would probably simply read:  You are capable of amazing things.  You deserve to treat yourself well.  You are good enough now.  You always have been.

Those things are true about you, too.  If you don’t know that yet, spend some time thinking about it.  Give yourself space to travel back to hurtful moments and feel that pain if you need to.  Burying it away isn’t helpful either.  Grieve for the younger you and the mistakes you made.  And then work everyday to change the story you are telling yourself about you.  You are capable of more than you know.  You just have to believe it.

Think of all the things you would do if you knew you couldn’t fail and stop telling yourself the story of your future failures.  You’re the shit, girl.

And for heaven’s sake, there are little girls everywhere and we are who they have to look up to.  I know I can’t shield my daughter from heart break, disappointment, bullies or the pains of growing up.  But I can arm her with confidence she has been learning not just through my words and actions toward her, but those toward myself.  It’s the best defense against everything that tells us we will never be quite good enough, and I’m the best woman to teach it to her.

Being fat didn’t really “ruin everything.”  Believing that being fat meant failure sure did lead me to miss out on a lot of good.  And walking around inhabiting every part of yourself beats the hell out of the alternative.

It’s time to break this cycle, get honest with ourselves about where we’ve been and move forward knowing we are good enough.

Lovingly, Mama

Most of the women who follow me do so because they identify with my story.  The struggle with self esteem and self worth I am open about draws them to me.  And they look for motivation/inspiration to transform their mindsets and bodies.  I think this is rad.

I have built a following with messages about being good enough and being empowered, with a little sass thrown in too.  I do not plan to use the following I have built on my own platform to promote a product or business that has nothing to do with me and my journey.  To me, regardless of how I approached it, any product I associate my brand with gets my “before and after” picture.  No matter how I put it, people will see my progress as the result of “magic shake” I start selling, or whatever.  I find this deceitful. Though from a financial standpoint, I should totally slap my before/after on a product and sell it like a magic bean.  But that’s not how I did this.

I have done giveaways for things I feel don’t conflict with my message, and I work as an ambassador for pv.body (a workout clothes subscription, that I actually use and pay for) because workout clothes were a part of my journey. =)  And getting nice yoga pants does not promote magic results.  Other programs/supplements/diet products I have not used (which is everything) I will not promote.

Thank you for your understanding,

Mama

Exercise clothes are something I don’t buy used.  Mostly because I prefer working out in spandexy stuff and it’s not often that stuff will really make it through more than one user.  So mine come from T.J. Maxx usually.  I often find good deals there, but as I have become more active and spend more and more time in my exercise clothes: I wear that cheap stuff out SO quickly.

Other problems with the cheap stuff:

-They don’t feel as nice.  A nice moisture-wicking material makes all the difference.  And I want to be comfortable!

-The become see-through after a number of washes.  I was recently at victoria’s secret and was tempted to buy some draws that said something funny on them but didn’t because I had an instant image in my head of doing squats at the gym only to be revealing “the message” to all the gym rats.  That’s no good.  And many of these pants/capris are see-through off the shelf!  If you are ever in the Lawrence area and see a woman doing squats and staring at her butt in the mirror in the dressing rooms– you’ll know it’s me!

-They aren’t as well designed.  I have to say the nicer brands have actually considered more than cost-effectiveness in their designs.  They don’t “slip down” as much and take into account how bodies move.

I own one pair of lululemon crops.  (They came from a consignment store).  They have outlasted everything else I own and they had already had one owner.

So why is that stuff so expensive?  Because it’s super nice.  It lasts longer, feels good, isn’t translucent in the bottom, looks good at the gym and the grocery store (or lounging around your house, or EVERYWHERE) and is well designed.  But all of that doesn’t change my budget unfortunately.  And I am not on a budget that allows for 150 dollar yoga pants.  At least not regularly.

…that is until now.

My sister recently sent me an email that she had signed up for pv.body - a website where for 40 bucks a month they send you a high end top and bottom each month (Lorna Jane, Lululemon, splits 59, nike, solo… if you aren’t familiar– trust me).  Currently, your first box also includes a free tote and extra tank top.  The boxes are worth around 150 dollars!  AND you can stop at any time.  Shutthefrontdoor.

So I went to the website, watched the video a bunch of times, took the “style quiz” (which takes into account the kind of workouts you do/sorts of colors you like etc) twice and still didn’t order.  I was a little skeptical at what a great deal it was, plus my sister had signed up so I thought I’d just see what she got first.  About a week later I received an email from the company.  *I think I literally read the email jumping up and down.* They love me, so you should love them. =)  They wanted to give me a free box to review and pass on a discount code to YOU!  By clicking HERE you will get 20% off your first order which means 32 dollars for your first box! And you can never get another if you don’t want to.  Pass the link onto your friends!  New yoga pants for the world!

The stuff I got is bad ass.  I fully intend to continue with a subscription.  Frugal as I am, I will probably do a few months, suspend and then do a few again until I get a nice little collection.  Then I will celebrate my buns off when I can get rid of all of my see-through bootied, uncomfortable, sometimes itchy athletic gear.  Also, what a GREAT little treat each month to reward myself for my hard work at the gym and re-motivate me to keep going.  Hello!  Gotta wear the new awesome stuff!

So here is what I got:

These super awesome grey capris and this fire red halter tank top.  Both are amazing material– soft, comfortable and moisture wicking!  If I’d bought them it would have cost me $110 plus tax and with PVBody it would only be 40 bucks!   32 with my link!

I’m super pumped about this because I’m contacted constantly by companies who I am not interested in working with.  I get a little kick back from referrals which is a regular “offer” from companies but I just won’t do it.  All kinds of companies with magical fat loss solutions I don’t believe in want me to work with them.  And I tell them no.  Because I actually care about what I do and what I share with you.  But damn it if I don’t believe in yoga pants!  Plus the woman I’ve been talking to with the company is totally sweet and all about my philosophies around self worth, positive body image and celebrating health!  So it’s good people behind this company too.  So go on girl, treat your self to somethin’ nice.  32 bucks for the pants (capris/shorts/whatever your preference)  you will want to live in forever.  And they might even inspire more workouts.  Bam.

**Update!  PVBody is changing their rate to $49 a month in December so take advantage of the $32 offer NOW!**

So why are yoga pants so expensive?  They aren’t.  But to get them for a steal you can either get the good stuff (once or monthly!) or trek it to the store and hope you don’t end up with see through, fall-apart-y ones.  Heaven knows my cheap behind still wants the good stuff!

xoxo, Mama

In case you missed it, I turned 30 last month and have decided to celebrate my year with new goals each month.  September was 30 days of yoga.  It went well.  Mostly it was a great way for me to get back into working out.  I discovered that post injury I’m really enjoying finding new activities and broadening my “workout horizons.”  I also spent time meditating daily.  Both are practices I intend to continue.

October’s goals seemed obvious right away.  I want to wake up early.  Every day.

My family schedule has changed to where I now have a couple of hours after I drop my daughter off before I have to be at work.  This gives me plenty of time to workout and get ready for work.  But that’s the trouble.  It’s plenty of time.  Time that I can putter away doing something else.  Time I could (and often do) spend making dinner so it can just be warmed up when I get home.  It’s too much time.

Research shows that waking up early (I’m talking way before you have to) is the best way to get personal growth activities done.  Things like meditation, working out, personal writing, are best done before anything or anyone else can pop up and become more important.

I’ve found that when I wake up at the crack of dawn and workout I find ways to get other stuff done while I’m at it and then I’m buzzing all day from the extra energy.  It feels great.

Thus, I’m dedicating October to early rising. It’s going to make for a wonderful new habit.  I’m signed up for classes 5 days a week (spin, yoga and cardio) that gives an added accountability factor to this goal.  A nice thing I’ve found about taking a class first thing is that the problem of being a little groggy headed isn’t important because you’re being instructed.  By the time you fully wake up you’re all stretched out and ready to go!

I want to be clear that this would have once upon a time been crazy talk for me.  I have always been a night owl.  I stayed up late as hell, always fighting bed time.  I woke up late, usually late enough to have missed something or to need to rush around.  The idea of waking up early, on purpose, with no one paying me to do so, would have been nuts.

Part of that changed when Lola was born.  It became impossible to be in a hurry to get somewhere.  As you may know, having a child means you need to build in a half hour to all transitions just to be safe.  It is inevitable that your child will have some minor emergency right at go time.  But mostly I discovered that I hated being in a hurry.  I hated being in a hurry so much that the story I told myself about being a person who is always late was no longer important.  So the half hour wiggle room became 45 minutes and now I’m chronically early.

Having broken this life long pattern already makes taking the plunge from night owl to early riser seem less daunting.  And I really love the idea of having exciting plans in the wee hours instead of always dreading the alarm.

To make this goal easier I’m cutting out alcohol (who wakes up before 7am with a hang over?)  I’ve recently found that my tolerance level has decreased to pathetic anyway so even a small amount makes a big impact I’m okay with not feeling.  I will also be making every effort to be in bed in the 10pm hour.

This change will give me about 3 extra hours of alone time daily to do whatever the hell I want.  I intend to do the following:

workout.  meditate.  write.  read.  walk/run my dog.  be still.  welcome the day.  make a nice breakfast.  take longer showers.  paint my nails.  listen to music.  experience quiet.

So I’m pumped.  I’m excited to see how this impacts my energy level and sleep schedule over time.  I’ll keep you posted.

Are you making goals with me?  What are you doing in October?

xoxo, Mama

I’m in the middle of reading “Women, Food and God.”  Another book I’d heard about through Oprah that had sort of turned me off due to the title.  I thought it was a Christian book about eating because you are sad, a synopsis that is almost entirely incorrect and didn’t draw me to it.  I haven’t finished it to the point I can give a review but can confidently say it’s worth delving into.  I got it for 7 dollars at half price books and have found it quite enlightening.  While a lot of what she has to say hasn’t spoken directly to me, it has if nothing else forced me to become more aware.  In that awareness I have discovered a few things.

#1: I associate food with love.   I’ve never sat down to a bowl of ice cream and consciously thought, “this is love.”  But it’s a clear association because it’s the first thing I go to for others.  My husband’s birthday?  I prepare all of his favorite foods, bake his favorite cake and make a special breakfast.  I prepare meals for my family every night as a way of expressing love.  I enjoy baking for co-workers and friends.  I  come from a mid-western culture of bringing casseroles to people who are grieving.  When I think of it this way, I can see that in my mind, food is love.

#2  I eat when I’m not hungry.  This I’ve always known, but when I was in “weight loss mode” rather than fight that urge, I just had healthy things on hand to nosh on.  So if I was wanting to mindlessly eat, I’d eat peas.  The disconnect here is that I never endeavored to figure out what I was “hungry for.”  That is, I never investigated that urge in favor of finding a way to indulge it without my own judgement or damaging my health.

My recent injury was a sizable knock to my confidence.  I realize that may seem silly.  But the thing that made me feel powerful and strong (weight lifting) was the thing that caused my injury as well as was “taken from me” for a while.  This may also seem shocking since I’m the “self-esteem queen.”  But having a healthy self-esteem is like having a happy marriage.  It is not without great commitment, effort and allowing for bad days without becoming complacent.

I’ve written a lot about my injury because it’s been a big deal for me.  In some ways it has been traumatic.  And believe me, I realize that not being able to exercise is not like losing a loved one or an environmental catastrophe.  But in terms of my well-being it pulled on some old aches.  I had spent 25 years with the “self-imposed limitation” that exercise and a healthy active body were not for me.  That other people were predisposed to these things and more deserving of them.  That I was “stuck” sedentary and unhappy with an unhealthy body.  My journey with exercise from walking around the block to running a half marathon, from 5lb weights in my living room to the lone woman Olympic weight lifting at the gym was a great source of confidence for me.  It freed me of my self-imposed limitations.  It made me reconsider other limitations and self definitions that didn’t serve me.  It was a huge fucking deal.  In this context, the blow is perhaps more understandable.

As a constant pursuer of growth, I had to find a path back to that confidence.  But I had to take a different path.  In the end, it’s been renewing, regenerating and so positive.  In the beginning, I turned to food.  I found myself eating in the refrigerator.  I was hungrier than usual.  Reading this book made me become curious about this behavior, to acknowledge it.  Before I didn’t even realize I was doing it because it’s something I’ve done as long as I can remember.  It’s like returning to an old friend.  It’s a habit I’ve had for so long that even if I go long bouts without it, it’s easy to not even notice when I’m doing it.  Once I was able to acknowledge it, I followed the author (Geneen Roth)’s advice and just observed it.  And then I noticed that it stopped.

Sometime I will share more about the avenues I’ve traveled down to get back here without my “physical goal bench markers” that brought back my confidence the first time around.  There was yoga, meditation, self-reflection, energy work, spiritual work.  But something amazing shifted.

I stopped having that urge.  I don’t want to eat at the refrigerator.  I don’t suddenly feel ravenous at 9 or 10pm.

I can remember times since I’ve been healthy that the urge stopped all together as well.  But I was so hyper focused on my physical journey (what I was doing, how my physical body felt) that I missed the opportunity to learn what was going on with my hunger.  This time, with all of my physical limitations I didn’t miss it.

Perhaps this will resonate with some, maybe you’re hungry for something else.  But I found that I have been eating for comfort when I’m feeling insecure.

Looking back this seems so obvious to me but I’d missed it.

-I eat when I’m insecure in my relationship

-I eat when I get dumped/lose a job/feel rejected

-I eat when sense that I’ve failed

My list could go on, but I feed my insecurity with food.  I no longer have velveeta and party pizzas on hand to do this with.  I no longer go to more than one drive through and eat in the car (an admission I can hardly believe I just made).

This is the piece I’ve been missing.  It hasn’t made a giant impact on my weight or health in recent years as I’ve been feeding my insecurity with vegetables.  But I’m thrilled to both not have that urge as well as have identified where it comes from.  How much simpler it will be to face the thing I’m running from now that I know what it is.

My confidence is back.  I made the connection.  So next time I find myself surveying my options mindlessly in the refrigerator (and have acknowledged this behavior) I can realize, “I am feeling insecure and nothing in this refrigerator is going to make me feel confident.”  I can then face the insecurity and deal with the actual issue.  This still requires work.  Participating fully in your life requires work.  But I’m excited to have a clear understanding of the root cause.  To know what I’m hungry for.

This realization brings so much clarity to the times in my life that I’ve been my heaviest.  It’s exciting, actually.

Does this mean that I will never bake for friends again or feel loving when I prepare meals for my family?  Of course not.  Preparing healthy (and hell, sometimes unhealthy) food for my family is a way that I love them.  But being mindful of all the other ways I can show them love is important too.  I want my daughter to have a full tool belt of ways to show love that aren’t just baking cakes.  For example, this awareness means that I will not console with food.  That my “go to” method of affection needs to shift.

I was telling someone today how easy it is for me to share myself on here.  That the more I’m honest the easier it is to be.  Whenever I write something like this, it’s hard to imagine that anyone else might understand, but someone always does.

So, my name is Erin and I’m an emotional eater.  I eat my insecurities.  I have a tendency that I need to be aware of to show love with food.  I cannot tell you how liberating it is to have discovered this about myself.  It feels like I just lost another 100lbs.

I hope if this resonates with you, you can find it liberating as well.  It’s always scary to approach the darker, maybe embarrassing parts of yourself.  It’s seems in the moment, much easier to suffer your behavior than examine it.  But I promise, it feels so much “lighter” once you face it.

xoxo, Mama

I realize I just used to phrase “grueling competition” to discuss debate, but lets remember I do not have an athletic background.  It’s like nerd sports.  I’m good with that.  …okay.

That said, I do enjoy competing with myself.  Among the top 3 confidence boosting experiences of my life was going from not being able to run for an entire minute to running an entire half marathon in one year.  I didn’t aspire to run the half when I started, but by gradually doing just a little more everyday than the day before I moved my own mountain.  I have done this with my flexibility, speed and strength.  I like to surprise myself.

You may know that I just spent a little over a month not being able to workout due to an injury.  I took this as an opportunity to regroup with new goals outside of the gym.  I feel like I’m on a more positive track spiritually and emotionally.  I have broadened my daily practices to include yoga and meditation.  I’ve given up almost all television in favor of books and given my driving time to books on tape.  I’m feeling great.  But as I’ve slowly started to workout again I’ve found my starting place has changed.

This is not surprising.  You can miss a workout.  You can miss a whole week and not lose your fitness level.  But over a month is going to set you back some.  Adding to this equation is that it’s not advisable that I push myself right now either.  This is an ease in and pay attention sort of situation.  This could be devastating.  If I hadn’t used my time off to foster other areas of growth it might have been.  Instead I just keep reminding myself to start where I am at.

I never got discouraged when I was starting out.  Because I didn’t have lofty goals.  I figured, the worse off my starting point, the more miraculous the end will be.  As long as I focused on being a positive role model for my daughter and just striving to do a smidge more than yesterday, I was rarely discouraged.  While I no longer struggle to run a minute, I’m running a much shorter distance everyday than I used to.  My mindset has gone from “squeek a little more out” to “take it easy, enjoy yourself.”  It’s completely different.

I keep reframing my set back as an opportunity to rebuild.  I get to start over.  I get to experience (eventually) lifting  heavier and heavier again.  I get to celebrate lengthening my runs.  When I am able to run stairs again I get to dance at the top like the first time.  It will be great.  Even though I’ve done it before.  It gets to be great all over again.

Am I thrilled to have ”moved backward” in my fitness level?  No.  But I’m excited to celebrate my former successes again.

Start where you are at.  Whether you are starting for the first time or again for any reason.  Part of honoring yourself and your body with exercise is being okay with where you are at right now and lovingly working to improve.  I’ve literally never seen anyone become more fit and maintain it because they wanted to “fix themselves” or by punishing themselves through exercise.  This may work short term… but long term fitness is maintained with love.

Instead of competing with myself, I’m just setting out to enjoy myself.

So here I am with new tools and a new starting point.  A little more namaste in my bad ass bitch.  I’ll take it.

Mama