The sad and hopeful truth about women

I love women. This is not about sexuality or excluding men. It stands alone. I love women. I think we are amazing creatures who are stronger than we ourselves even know at times. I’ve been blessed with always being surrounded by the exceptional . Women who can be fierce in one moment and quiet comfort in the next. Who can captivate a room by walking into it or catch you off guard by seeing straight through your façade. Women who are lawyers, social workers, doctors, athletes, mothers who will break their backs to help you on their worst day and expect nothing in return.

Women like my mother who my husband describes as the personification of a quilt. She is the type of woman who would gladly lay down her life for one of her babies and not even bat an eye. She is love.

And yet I don’t think I know a single woman who truly knows her beauty. In fact I was 20 years old before I ever heard a woman refer to herself as beautiful. It was at a retreat for a service organization I was in during college. We had to write down how we identify ourselves based on different terms; race, appearance, location etc. and then rank the importance of these self-labels. I put “meh” on my appearance card, though if I was honest I probably would have said “gross” for how I felt about me at the time and I put that card at the bottom of my priorities. One of my peers, a strong and humble chick, the type you would go to for advice or support— she put “beautiful” on her card and placed it at the top. She said simply, “I think I’m beautiful and I think that’s important.”

I was so taken a back. My first thought was ‘how vain.’ This thought lasted about 2 seconds as vanity was about the farthest from this girl. Then I was impressed. I wanted to be her. I wanted to feel about myself the way she did. To be able to say I’m beautiful and that’s important.

Because it is.

The closest I’ve seen other women to this is usually just acceptance of flaws. Like saying, “I don’t like my body but who cares, it’s what’s on the inside that matters.” And I’m by no means interested in taking out the whole “insides” thing. But think about how you look at someone you love. I really enjoy looking at those I adore. I could stare at my little girl forever. And yes, she’s a cute kid. The cutest. But ask anyone—she looked kind of like a bulldog when she was born. I loved every inch of that child and could stare at her for ages. Because after all a person is both insides and outsides. A whole person is all of it. And when you truly love someone you love it all.

So it seems to me that to choose to eliminate your appearance on the quest of self love and acceptance is selling yourself short. To truly give yourself the love you deserve you need to feel good about all of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t seek evolution. We’re evolving and maturing all the time. And if you aspire to improve any part of you that’s wonderful. That doesn’t mean you can’t still love the you -you are today.

Now there’s this whole gigantic other piece of this. Where as women we are taught in every way imaginable that we will never be good enough at anything until we are good enough on the outside. That to be worthy you can’t “just” graduate law school, but do it with great legs. And you can’t “just” be a Mother, you have to be a “MILF.” But the problem isn’t that these standards are ever present. The problem is that we accept them. And that these standards have taken us so far from loving ourselves we don’t even see straight when we look in our mirrors. And furthermore, as long as we are distanced from ourselves in this way, we are distanced from each other.

You hear men and women a like talk about this unspoken issue between women.  It’s behavior often referred to as “catty.” It’s the reason we size each other up all the time, so worried that we ourselves don’t measure up and in turn eager to cut down anyone who might more than we do. It’s the sad, sad secret of women. We spend so much time cutting each other down because we can’t lift ourselves up.

It’s such a crying shame. There is nothing like community among women. Support among women. Love among women. When a group of women come together for a common, positive goal, it’s a breathtaking thing to be a part of. It’s grace. And I owe so much of what I’m proud to be to my numerous close friendships with women.

Can you imagine what might happen if we woke up tomorrow, all of us and said,”I’m beautiful and I think that’s important.” Not only rejecting the cultural parameters of beauty but could see beauty in our mirrors. We would be unstoppable.

Seriously. This earning change on a man’s dollar for the same work bullshit. All these little girls who already start dieting in elementary school to “fix” themselves. All the spoken and unspoken ways we unfairly judge and cut down ourselves and each other… done.

Well we can’t wave a wand but we can make waves.

One of my favorite sayings is “How you feel about me is between you and your self esteem.” I’ll stand by that all day everyday. And that’s not just about how people feel about me. I know for certain if I’m judging another woman that I’m feeling insecure. And I check myself, admire her and move on. Simple as that. We project, and in my opinion, women are the best at it.

Good news is we have so much power and it goes both ways. A woman who feels good about herself, who really knows her worth and her beauty is contagious. Not only will her confidence rub off on others but when you feel good about you, you are far more likely to see good in others. Show me a person who sees only the worst in others and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t much like themselves.

Maybe I’ve lost you somewhere a long the way. Maybe this is all a little to “love yourself” for you. Too mushy. Fine. But here’s the thing; I have wasted enough of my life not liking who I am. I’ve spent enough time trying on clothes that don’t fit, crying over men who didn’t deserve me (because I didn’t know what I deserved), comparing myself desperately to others and never measuring up. Time completely wasted because what I had all along, what we all have, is our unique beauty. The whole package. Each of us is perfectly ourselves, and to compare ourselves to others, or anyone’s ridiculous standards is to miss a moment in which we could have been authentically beautiful. Real.

I believe in women. I believe it only takes a few to make a shift — to create waves. And that with as much compassion, empathy and love as we show others, it wouldn’t be a far reach to extend that inward. I would love my daughter to grow up in a world where she is surrounded by women who don’t disregard or lament any part of who they are. Because that’s a world where we would lift each other up. Without our insecurities blinding us there would be no reason to put one another down.

For me, this is the whole point. Getting healthy has made me a lighter person. Literally, but mostly figuratively. I was able to let a lot of old hurts go because I started to feel strong and confident. Because for the first time in my whole life I did something for myself out of love. I was never worried about my kid having a fat Mom.  I’m not overwhelmingly proud I wear smaller pants.  I began to treat myself well, respect my body and show myself the love I give to others. That’s what I wanted for my daughter. To be an example of someone who loved herself, in hopes she might waste less time on all the self loathing stuff.  To encourage her to shine.  That’s what’s contagious. For me taking care of my body is a part of that. But it all begins and ends with my relationship with me.

I don’t know if this is inspiring or Jack Handy-esq drivle. But this is my truth. My hope for you is that you will come to know your own beauty. And think it’s important.

I hope that when our daughters and our daughters, daughters look up they see women who lift each other up, each knowing exactly their worth and rejecting no part of themselves as less than or unimportant. And that they will never even have to question, “Mommy, am I beautiful?”

Because of you,

Because of your example,

They already will know.