Me, the scale, and how I said “screw it.”

When I started this journey my goal was to teach my child by example how to live a healthy life and have a positive relationship with my body. I talk a lot about confidence and being lessjudgmentalabout other womens bodies (as that is an issue with your own confidence, period.) But that doesnt mean that my demons dont creep up.

I have those moments, sitting on the couch at the end of a long day in a tank top that feels like it fit different last month, where I look down and go hello belly. It happens. Turning over a new leaf and gaining new perspective does not mean I love every inch of me every day. It also doesnt mean I prioritize having a six pack. *I have never had a six pack.*

What it does mean is that I dont let these inevitable moments rule my mind or my life. I tell the voice that is bemoaning my belly to fuck off. And I always consider the appearance and abilities of my body objective. Not emotional. Because its much simpler that way. And it is objective.

If I have gained weight or body fat it has been a result of food and exercise choices. Not because Im a shitty person. It has no bearing on my worth and does not have to impact my self esteem. It is what it is. And likewise if I have to slimmed down, added muscle, cut a minute off my mile time whatever, I have chosen to do so. Its choices.

Its also good to bear in mind that my scale is also telling me things like what time of day it is, if I need to pee, what part of my cycle Im on and countless other stupid details that I dont have control over. But regardless of those variables, the fit of my tank top and the number on the scale no longer determine my mood, feelings about myself or my own determined worth. And while I promise I understand completely those feelings, the sooner you begin toseparate the normalfluctuationsof yourbody based on things both in and out of your control from your worth, the easier it is to both take control of your body and just enjoy your life.

To lose 90lbs in a year I had to be dedicated. I constantly set performance goals and achieved them. I consumed healthy foods constantly and in proper portions. I was all over it. And it felt amazing. I exercised a lot and with the determination of a beast. And when Im in beast mode, its a serious situation.

To maintain my weight I dont have to be soconscious. Due to havingdrastically changed my mindless habits (never cream with coffee, lots of water, lots of vegetables, whole foods blah blah) as well as regularly exercising (including serious strength training) for the last 3 yearsmy metabolism affords me to be lax sometimes. And sometimes I am. Fuck it.

Now Im not saying that you have to feel this way. There are people who live and breathe fitness. I think thats amazing. Im not currently one of those people. (Though many people would say working out 5 days a week and eating as much produce as I do would make me one of those, Im here to tell you sometimes I take many days off in a row and eat ice cream. Its true.)

The point is: there are lots of ways to do this. Whether you want to lose weight, gain strength, be healthier, get faster, whatever your goal; you dont have to run ultra marathons and measure out your protein intake everyday. You can eat ice cream. You can take an impromptu rest day because your kids wanted to go to the park. And to keep a nice perspective on all this, you have to buck up and tell the critical voice its ridiculous. You need to decide that you have wasted enough time feeling badly about your body and quickly move away from those stupid thoughts. You have to realize that the level of your dedication will result in the body you have and then make choices accordingly.

So I love exercise but some days when I am working 12-14 hours I chose sleeping in. I eat spinach like its going out of style but I dont always turn down peanut butter cookies and when my choices result in a small change in performance of curvature it doesnt ruin my life. In fact, it doesnt even ruin my moment.

How bout that? How about fuck it?

My concern is not my thighs. Im good with my thighs. Sometimes they are tighter revealing some bad ass muscle from all the hours spent squating, dead lifting and lunging and sometimes they have a little extra juiciness to them. I want to live a full life. I want to be healthy enough to run for an hour if I want to, keep up with my kiddo and not be selfconsciousin my clothes. I also want to have a cream puff here and there and give myself permission to take a day off from the gym even if it wasnt my scheduled rest day.

So find the balance that works for you accept the body that affords. This is objective. And as far as that nagging, critical voice in your head? Just keep practicing telling it where it can go and it gets quieter all the time.

Fuck it.

Love, Mama